The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
