Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
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I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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