You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
