I cannot find my penis.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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