the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
