Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
