So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
