tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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