How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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