Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
