The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
