There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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