well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
