This is not my ceiling
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
