I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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