Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize