you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
sarcasm needs its own font
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
