i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
