When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I could fuck to npr.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
