I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
