i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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