How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
