I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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