You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
