are you still at the devil's house?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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