I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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