So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Princesses don't give blow jobs
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
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