What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
