not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
