I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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