btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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