my mouth tastes like poor choices
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
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