Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
