My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
