I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
