Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
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