I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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