youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
