DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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