At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
