I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
