I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
