brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
