There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
