birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
