Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
