Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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