I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
