I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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