No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
