if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
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