Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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