omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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