you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
